Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
