I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
