i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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