Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
