i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize