so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
