in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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