nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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