i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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