it's too hot outside to masturbate.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
