So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
