if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
