I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
