I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
