Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
