just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
