What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
