it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
