She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
