Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
