I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
