Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
