Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
