Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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