Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
