i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
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