its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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