there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
