Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
