WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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