1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Two words: nipple clamps
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