You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
