I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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