dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
