Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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