Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
