Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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