As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize