why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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