Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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