Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
