i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
