You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Houston, we have a squirter
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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