my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
