someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
