just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
