I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
