i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just gift wrapped bread.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
