Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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