Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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