I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
