so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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