I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
