Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
