Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
