I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
