I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
